As if by magic, the air has cooled, the leaves murmur a crisped song in the breeze and the sky is crystal blue.
October 31, 2006 has arrived. Tonight parents holding flashlights will walk with excited children throughout neighborhoods all over our country seeking candy and treats to fill their clutched bags. The cool weather will be welcomed with glowing, smoky fireplaces…in many cases, for the first time since last winter.
I miss the days of ‘trick or treat’ with my children. My son, now 21, is launched and living on his own. My daughter, 17, is a senior in high school and has long since given up toting her plastic pumpkin to our neighbor’s houses. I am filled with nostalgia when I remember all of the nights we went out together on Halloween, the precious costumes, all the adventures and laughs we had as a family, and of course the much revered and anticipated final ritual of spilling out the collected edible treasures onto the floor to observe, sample and categorize into piles. Precious memories of times gone by.
My heritage is a tossed salad of Irish, Italian and Cajun cultures…however, I have always most strongly identified with Ireland, especially ancient Ireland. The experience of actually exploring and experiencing the Emerald Isle a few years ago was a completely magical time for me – a lifelong dream come true – and I feel permanently changed by it.
Ancient Celts were so connected to the Earth and their entire life reflected that connection. For the past ten years, I have attempted to allign myself with their example. Much of my intention as well as emotional and mental focus has changed because of my efforts.
Tonight is Samhain, an ancient high holy day that marks the end of the year for some …like America’s tradition of New Year’s Eve. However, instead of the more well known drunken revelry, the Celtic tradition celebrates with a time of contemplation. It is a time to consider what we have accomplished, our trials and triumphs, the blessings we enjoy.
Celtic ancestors believed that today the veil between the living and the dead is at its thinnest. It is a time to honor our ancestors, our own past and to refocus on what we want to create for our future. I will celebrate tonight by creating a feast for my family featuring foods that will celebrate old traditions and ritualize our current feelings as well as our hopes for the future.
When the house is dark and quiet, I will review the past year and reflect on who I have been, what I have learned, what I want to release and become more clear about my intentions and desires are for the coming year.
I have learned to begin making friends with my “shadow self” and to become more comfortable celebrating both sides of the same coin. I have had strong words with the “censor” in my head, muting her on more than one occassion so that I can get to my real thoughts and feelings without cleaning them up so that they will first be “acceptable”. Being a first born child and a life long ‘pleaser’ all of my life…that process is much more difficult that some can imagine.
My primal urge to be a loving, supportive, protective mother to my children has had to be modified with the launching of my son into the big world. Now that he has left ‘the nest’ (and his sister will certainly follow in a few years) it has become clear to me that another huge life change is imminent. I have had to begin to earnestly seek the answers to the question, “Who am I when I am not ‘Mother’?”. Taking off those glasses of perspective have left me blinking and near blind in the bright light of discovery. During this year my eyes have begun to adjust and I have begun to consider my future in a modified mind set. Very, very interesting.
An event during the summer involving my mother and sister reopened a patched wound from childhood causing me to lose my emotional equilibrium. It was a rare and profound experience – really, in so many ways, similar to my experience with breast cancer. I struggled for weeks trying to right myself…crawling through a valley of shadows…revisiting old rage, feeling betrayal and a host of other painful delicacies…until, finally I pulled myself up and now have found a lovely calm and peace.
Yep, these are the big three from my year. In retrospect I see clearly that the solution as well as the balm to the heart and soul in these and all past and future challenges is very simple. Love. That is it. How ridiculously simple…and sublime.
Love – for myself, my children, my mother and sister. Without judgment, expectation, attachment. Pure. Simple. Divine.
I am grateful for the experiences, blessed for the feelings I felt and the answers that I have found.
In the coming year… Release. Acceptance. Joy.
So may it be.
